


In This Mess of Flesh

by crickets



Series: Names and Curses [3]
Category: Lost
Genre: Incest, Multi, jawyercita, mmf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-05-07
Updated: 2007-05-07
Packaged: 2017-10-02 03:53:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crickets/pseuds/crickets
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(five ways claire forgets)</p>
            </blockquote>





	In This Mess of Flesh

**Author's Note:**

> [Original post.](http://crickets.livejournal.com/53179.html)

**1.  
She can never hold on tight enough, not even in her dreams.**

Aaron drowns at sea and it is Jack who picks up the pieces. This is after Charlie – bullet to the head, vengeance for a man named Ethan – and before they know the truth, that the same blood runs through their veins. This will always be the moment that defines everything before and since.

How can they lose so carelessly?

They’re high up on the rocks. It’s afternoon, not even raining, hasn’t for days, and suddenly that thing is coming. She doesn’t know then that it can go only so far. She kisses his forehead, doesn’t think to say _goodbye_ or even _I love you,_ and jumps, with him in her arms, but it isn’t tight enough.

It’s never tight enough, not even in her dreams.

Those first nights afterwards, it rains – a week, maybe more – and he just holds her. She feels so small in his big arms under that tarp, so small she could almost disappear. And maybe… maybe that’s exactly what she wants.

 

**2.  
She hears him from his tent one night.**

She knows he doesn’t mean to, but he stops coming to her after they learn the truth. The ones they call the others, they seem to get some kind of satisfaction out of this, disrupting lives and loves, and all the things that they keep hidden.

And now he won’t meet her eyes, won’t touch her, and pushes her away when she finds her way into his tent at night, crushing her lips so desperately to his. He tells her he needs time, it isn’t healthy, and says _How can we explain this?_

She tells him she doesn’t care, that no one knows and even if they did, so be it. She’s lost everything, can’t she just have him?

She’s long known who else Jack shares his nights with. (There aren’t a lot of secrets left on this island.) She hears him singing from his tent one night while she lies in hers. It’s soft and comforting, and she works her hand between her legs, comes to the sound of Sawyer’s song. And for now, it’s enough.

**3.  
She wishes it was the both of them.**

In the first house, he avoids her, despite his promise not to. It’s not as though she hasn’t touched him since they’ve known. But in this house, he feels it too domestic, too dysfunctional, too sinful.

This is the real world now.

She understands. She feels it too, misses the musty ground of the jungle and the waves, crashing as she comes, his hands digging into her thighs.

Nights, she hears them, Sawyer sneaking into his room, soft moans, the sounds of their collision, names and curses. These expensive, heavy walls aren’t much use for keeping the noise out if you can’t manage to keep a door closed.

Over breakfast, she tells him with her eyes that she’s tired of just listening in. He waits for Sawyer to leave, fucks her on the kitchen counter, calls her name, and it’s almost like before. She doesn’t tell him then she wishes it was the both of them.

**4.  
This is her cure.**

The first few nights, they’re gentle with her; after that, they don’t bother. Everyone’s always seen her as such a fragile thing, but not them.

This is their shared experience. This is why no one else will ever know her fully. They fell from the sky together (and that is really just the beginning) and lived to tell the tale. Only they don’t tell it, because there is no happy ending here.

Not even in these nights spent together, intertwined, limbs and hands and mouths, moving together in some kind of fucked up harmony. And in this mess of flesh is the place where she finds her peace, as unlikely as it may seem.

This is her cure.

**5\.   
One morning, she wakes up first.**

One morning, she wakes up first, slips out of bed and snaps a photograph, the instant film ejecting noisily, her place beside them empty as they spoon. They don’t wake, they don’t stir, just slumber on.

Maybe it’s to remember them by, in case they ever decide to leave her, but she knows they won’t. No, they’ll leave that up to her. She can see it when they look at her, knows she’ll never let them go.

She puts the photo away, half-developed, hides it in a pocket, and slips back into bed. Her place is still warm, and Sawyer’s hands immediately find her, curling around her stomach, his lips brushing her neck.

Some weeks are easier than others, richer than others, poorer than others. And the thought makes her laugh, makes her think of wedding vows. But it also rings of truth. She closes her eyes, sinks back further into Sawyer’s arms, Jack’s hand brushing her thigh, and feels safer than she has since before the crash. And it is at this moment that she _knows._

She is going to be okay.


End file.
